No “dumping” zone

No dumping zone - abundance guy

I had a link on last weeks post to this blog back in 2017. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it, so I just thought I’d repost the blog:)

Do you feel people are often “dumping ” their problems on you?

Do you feel like you can’t say no or stop someone from talking about their problems? Does it leave you tired?

Do you feel obligated to hear someone’s problems? is it supportive for you?

It feels good to vent now and then and I enjoy supporting family and friends that are working through issues. However, to hear someone go on and on about their problems, especially when its filled with gossip or blaming others is usually draining. I certainly have noticed this for myself. Sometimes when I feel this obligation to listen, I notice a few things happen. First, I resent it and my energy gets drained. Also, I’m not as present as I’m usually wanting the conversation to end after a while………. Any of you, start checking emails or doing chores around the house when a conversation becomes one sided? How much value are we really adding in this “not so present” listening mode. If someone is really stuck in “drama” mode, getting stuck talking excessively about the problem, gossiping or blaming others for their situation, that is a lot of negativity to hear. I feel it eventually it starts to drain ones energy.

In the past I have gotten mad at myself for “listening” too long as now my energy has been affected, sometimes lasting for hours or more after I leave the conversation. No matter how much we love someone, does allowing our energy to be drained really serve either person? I feel keeping my energy high actually helps the other, even if they can’t see or feel it.

A few years back, I added a 5 minute “dumping” rule for myself. That is, I would allow 5 minutes of “dumping” to go on in a conversation and if it went beyond I then asked the person if we could schedule a time (if I wanted to) when I could better listen and be present for them. I would say something like, “this sounds like a really important issue for you and I want to hear you when I can be fully present” or being more direct, “it is sometimes draining for me to hear someone talk at length about their problems when my energy is not so strong”. If their was a lot of gossip and blame, I sometimes would offer, “I feel I might be more helpful to you to be a sounding board for SOLUTIONS to your problem” (rather than gossiping and blaming others). Of course, communicating this can be a delicate balance in relationships. I have noticed that it is best to bring up how you want to communicate in the future to those closer relationships, as in the heat of the moment can be a bit harder for the other person to handle. Practice those “I” messages when communicating, “I feel this way”…..”I notice this about myself when”, ect. We all are allowed to feel how we feel about something.

Know that this is a practice and you will likely mess it up, at least I do. I believe in taking small steps to improvement  and that often comes as two steps forward and one step back.

I have been practicing this 5 minute rule more these days. It takes some communication and patience and what I found was and is that when I did this with some people they would eventually dump somewhere else and in many circumstances our connection grew as we more frequently moved into real feelings and solutions when some of the drama was removed. Also, there is an definite energy shift when you change from talking about the problem to talking about the solution.

This is still a work in progress for me and I’m always on the look out for creative ways in dealing with “dumping”, so let me know if you have any ideas!

Feel better by shifting your focus from problems to solutions

Focus on solutions instead of problems - Abundance Guy

“The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.”

 

Read this quote somewhere and reminded me that when we are in our problems we are often focused so much on them, that our thinking becomes self fulfilling……Focus on problem, the problem remains, gets bigger or more problems surface…..When we are stuck in/on the “problem”, we are in the “energy” or thinking of that problem. We think over and over about the problem.  Play it over in our mind, again and again, I believe staying in the “problem energy”.

Let’s say we have a problem with a person that “created” a problem for you. What someone said or did. Staying in what was said or done, will not change anything of course. What was said or done is over and in the past. Talking consistently about it will only keep you in the situation of the past. That situation has an energy to it, like a vibration, and I believe affects not only your thinking, but your body and its health and vitality. Think of the difference you feel and your energy you have when you have a pleasant conversation versus an argument. One you feel fresh and light and the other drained, sometimes physically AND emotionally.

I Kinda like to think that each old thought of this “problem” as you are bring it (the thought of the problem) into the present like an anchor. Having to bring the thoughts (the anchor) of the past forward into the present. If we had no judgement on the issue, we would just move on, right? But, sometimes we instead carry the burdens of the past forward or we choose to be right versus happy and free. We love to blame things on others, it’s easy, their not there to speak the other side, so we talk about how THEY have affected our lives. It’s their fault. Of course, this gives our power away as now the problem can only get fixed if someones else does something. Good Luck on finding long term happiness when others actions determine your happiness!  I get caught up on that one personally sometimes. Also, we can be often be just unconsciously stuck in negatively. I occasionally see people that seem to like stress and negativity over peacefulness, almost like an addiction, without being aware of it.

In situations like I’m describing are conscious, we know where the “problem” came from, however, there are also unconscious thoughts and beliefs that we have built up over the years that we are repeating. It’s like we are in a circle or whirlpool that can be difficult to get out of without a new way of looking or thinking about the problem. Sometimes these “circles” can last for a long time, a lifetime, dragging the negative energy of the past into your present moment. In my breath work, I see this all the time. Energy that is stuck from old issues, literally stored in the body, even though the “mind” thought it has cleared the problem. The breath is just one tool that can help move this.

Another simple one, is to focus on solutions. Forget the past (easier said than done with our egos), and just focus on what you need to do NOW………..I am not saying to suppress or not feel emotions. Expressing emotions are healthy, getting stuck in those, in my opinion, is not. My view is, let your emotions move and complete and move on. I believe that can start by just the focusing and thinking about the solution over and over. Solution, solution, solution……Just that shift in awareness alone is so powerful. Maybe it will take some small steps to get started towards an eventual solution. I believe ANY small step can get progress flowing in the right direction.

I have a friend that had some health issues in the past and I always admired how she refused to see herself as “sick”. She focused on the solutions to her “issues” even when it was and sometimes is challenging for her when solutions were foggy. Among other things, she is just repeating to herself, “I am healthy”, over and over, again and again. She continues to improve to this day even though doctors do not really know what’s “wrong” with her. Our thoughts and actions are so powerful!

Like anything else its a practice and my clients and myself find we just feel better when we focus on the solution.

 

 

 

Conscious Consumer – a few simple ideas

Abundance guy - conscious consumer - choices we can make

I often write about ideas and thoughts on how we can do things to become more in balance as individuals. Of course, we also live in a world that operates in a balance as well. This balance can sometimes precarious. We are certainly hearing a lot about this today.

I feel that sometimes I really don’t have very much power over something as big as “helping” the world become more in balance. For me, having more “power” started with more awareness in my choices. For example, my friend Kasey, who worked at a recycling center and encourage me to take my recycling to the center back in the late 90’s. I still do this today despite no convenient pick up in the towns I live in. As I saw what the center was recycling, I added a bin or two and filled up the car more. So, Thanks Kasey!

Here is another pretty easy one that I did on my own five or six years ago. I bought a water filter and a water bottle and now I have better water from my facet than buying that over priced bottled water in a plastic container. Some estimate we throw away 50 to 100 million plastic bottles a day! Common sense says that’s a balance that can’t be sustained. Here is a link if you want more info on the impacts of bottled water http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/01/15/dangers-of-drinking-water-from-a-plastic-bottle.aspx.

About two years ago, I hired an energy consultant, Elizabeth Plumb, to help me improve the energy efficiency of my home in Breckenridge. I learned a lot about new and different choices I could make in being a more conscious consumer. With her guidance, I now feel like I have made steps improving my choices when I consume things. From “smaller” things like when I have a choice in buying a product, buying the one with less packaging or in the example of how I buy pineapple. I would often buy the pineapple already cut in a plastic container. Now I buy the whole pineapple and I just have to have a bit more patience to wait for it to ripen. Passing on those yummy looking berries from Chile in the middle of the winter as the reason their so expensive is how far they had to travel to get to the market. So, I just buy organic frozen from the states. Again, not a perfect choice, but a better one. Elizabeth also guided me to make an investment into my house through things like more insulation, more efficient household appliances, new hot water heater and a solar system. I cut my gas and electric bills more than half! And a lot of those savings were a bunch of small things, with modest costs. Thanks, Elizabeth!

I may not directly see the world changing as I consume less resources, but I feel better that I am making a small impact. Of course, that’s how we all can make a difference together. If we all can make just one new or different choice we can make a huge impact in the world being more in balance. If you have the time, read the below article from Ross Bishop (an author who helped shaped my thinking on abundance) and review his ideas on being more a more conscious consumer. There can be a lot of guilt attached to this issue, which for me, is not the best motivator. I prefer to move from a new awareness and then a new choice. Focusing on the positive changes I have made and being open to new ideas. So, is there one new choice you could make, even part of one? Can any of you make any simple suggestions?

ARE YOU PROBLEM OR SOLUTION?

By Ross Bishop

There are many problems today – the soft economy, the housing market, global warming, ineffectual schools, the political system, uncaring corporations, Wall Street corruption, natural disasters and European economic collapse. So what can you do? You can’t change the world, right?

Not quite.

You, your friends and neighbors have enormous power, but until you collectively use it, you defer that power and to the special interests who are only too happy to take it. You would be amazed at what can happen when a number of us make changes in our everyday choices.

We live in a world of incredible convenience, but every convenience comes at a significant price, whether it’s energy consumption, refuse in landfills, downstream chemical pollution or adding to global warming.

Today your choices encourage marketers to continue creating “convenience products” to serve your desire to have an easy life. And so long as you are willing to pay the cost for not being “inconvenienced,” the corporations have no incentive to change.

And that’s the problem: being a responsible consumer is inconvenient. It is easy to throw your laundry in the drier rather than hanging it outside. Scratch cooking takes time and planning. Microwave foods are convenient. Recycling is a hassle. Buying at the Farmer’s Market is expensive and it means an extra shopping trip. Bringing your own shopping bags is a nuisance. Eating organic is expensive. Eating meat is the American way. Buying sweatshop made products at WalMart saves money. Saving energy means the house won’t be as comfortable.

No one is asking you to carry water in a bucket, use an outhouse or churn your own butter, but many of our convenience choices have a significant impact on the planet and really don’t provide all that much in return. Your life would actually improve if you dumped some of them.

The problem with conveniences is that each individual thing may seem small but in the aggregate, the impacts can be devastating. Tossing a plastic bottle in the garbage is not a big deal, but 35 billion plastic bottles in landfills each year creates an enormous environmental problem. Consider just a few other examples: If every household in America replaced just ONE BOX of 175-count facial tissue with a 100% recycled product, we would save 385,000 trees, 140 million gallons of water and almost a million cubic feet of landfill space.

If every household substituted just ONE BOX of petroleum-based laundry detergent with a plant-derived detergent, we would save 165,000 barrels of oil (that’s almost 7 million gallons). That is enough to heat and cool 9,500 homes for a year! Plus there would be an immense reduction in the need for wastewater treatment! That’s for one box of detergent! The average family goes through a dozen or more of those in a year.

You would see a real impact if you eased up on your consumption of meat. Producing meat is an incredible resource hog. The biggest single contributor to global warming (20% of the total) is from the meat industry. Raising animals for food requires more than one-third of all raw materials and fossil fuels used in the United States. More than half of the U.S. water supply goes to livestock production. It takes 3,000 to 5,000 gallons of water and 15 pounds of grain to produce one pound of beef. That’s the monthly water use for a family of four, and fifteen pounds of grain would feed your entire neighborhood!

Doing something about these excesses requires making sacrifices, and frankly, we’re not very good at that. Our grandparents did that sort of thing. . . But without asking you to turn into an eco-freak, there are some fairly simple things that everyone can (and should) be doing:

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD DO

1. Hang out your laundry. It smells better, is better for the clothes, the environment and it saves a lot of energy. Your clothes dryer is a huge energy hog.

2. Eat meatless one day a week. It is much healthier, and the benefit to the planet would simply be incredible!

3. Recycle. It is mind boggling how much reusable trash gets thrown into landfills every day! 35 billion recyclable plastic bottles each year, 100 billion plastic bags, 2% of which are ever recycled. One thousand miles off the coast of California and New York are islands of floating plastic, each twice as large as the state of Texas, fouling the water and killing wildlife.

Consider this: every piece of plastic that has ever been made sits somewhere in a landfill. The stuff does not degrade! Very little of it can be recycled and very little of what can be reused ever is.

4. Use Eco-friendly cleaners, laundry detergent, dish soap, recycled paper products, etc. They may be more expensive, but this is the sort of sacrifice we all need to make in order to reduce the burden of chemical toxicity and deforestation on the planet.

5. Use your own shopping bags. Europeans have done this for years to no discernible detriment.

6. Eat organic as much as you can afford. It’s much better for your health and is enormously better for the planet. If I could show you the terrible nutritional content of the fresh produce you buy from the store, you probably would not believe me. Modern factory agriculture is not your friend.

7. Plant a garden! It’s one of the healthiest things you can do for your family, it’s great exercise, it’s fabulous for the planet and it will save you a lot of money!

8. Save vegetable kitchen scraps (freeze them) for soup stock, or bury them in the garden instead of tossing them in the garbage. It reduces the burden on landfills and is good for the soil.

9. Shop at your local Farmer’s Market. It’s more nutritious, reduces industrial transportation and supports the local economy. Yes, it’s more expensive, but consider it an investment in your family’s health.

10. When you shop, try to buy whole unprocessed food. Yes, it means more cooking and planning time. Avoid buying processed food whenever possible. Especially avoid: processed meat, hydrogenated oils, GMO products, artificial sweeteners, benzoate preservatives, high fructose corn syrup (sodas, fruit juice, etc.), Olestra and any ingredient you cannot pronounce or that your grandmother would not recognize.

11. Be careful of franchise restaurant food and restaurants that serve factory made, pre-prepared entrees. Most of it is loaded with chemicals and preservatives. There are a few franchise exceptions like Noodles & Company, Chipotle, Cosi, Panera and Au Bon Pain. Some franchises are starting to offer healthier choices. If possible, eat at locally owned restaurants that use healthy local ingredients and cook from scratch. Those who do this will be proud to tell you if you ask.

12. Become a more responsible consumer. Take a little time and learn about the products you buy and the companies who produce them. Is your coffee or chocolate produced under slave-like conditions? Was your cell phone or running shoes made in a sweat-shop? What about your jeans? Now that I know more about them, I feel better about buying things from companies like Burt’s Bees, Newman’s Own, Kashi, Ben & Jerry’s and TOMS shoes, etc. A couple of these have been bought by large corporations, but have kept their integrity intact.

There are a number of web sites that rank companies on their social consciousness. Some even have cell phone apps that allow you to scan bar codes and learn about your prospective purchases. The Ethical Consumer (http://www.ethicalconsumer.org/) is great publication for the UK, but I have not found anything similar here in the states. Web sites I have used are: http://www.free2work.org/ mobile app, www.chainstorereaction.com, www.shoptostopslavery.com and
http://www.betterworldshopper.org/rankings.html.

There is more you can do if you want to take these ideas further. The web is a great source of information.