No “dumping” zone

No dumping zone - abundance guy

I had a link on last weeks post to this blog back in 2017. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it, so I just thought I’d repost the blog:)

Do you feel people are often “dumping ” their problems on you?

Do you feel like you can’t say no or stop someone from talking about their problems? Does it leave you tired?

Do you feel obligated to hear someone’s problems? is it supportive for you?

It feels good to vent now and then and I enjoy supporting family and friends that are working through issues. However, to hear someone go on and on about their problems, especially when its filled with gossip or blaming others is usually draining. I certainly have noticed this for myself. Sometimes when I feel this obligation to listen, I notice a few things happen. First, I resent it and my energy gets drained. Also, I’m not as present as I’m usually wanting the conversation to end after a while………. Any of you, start checking emails or doing chores around the house when a conversation becomes one sided? How much value are we really adding in this “not so present” listening mode. If someone is really stuck in “drama” mode, getting stuck talking excessively about the problem, gossiping or blaming others for their situation, that is a lot of negativity to hear. I feel it eventually it starts to drain ones energy.

In the past I have gotten mad at myself for “listening” too long as now my energy has been affected, sometimes lasting for hours or more after I leave the conversation. No matter how much we love someone, does allowing our energy to be drained really serve either person? I feel keeping my energy high actually helps the other, even if they can’t see or feel it.

A few years back, I added a 5 minute “dumping” rule for myself. That is, I would allow 5 minutes of “dumping” to go on in a conversation and if it went beyond I then asked the person if we could schedule a time (if I wanted to) when I could better listen and be present for them. I would say something like, “this sounds like a really important issue for you and I want to hear you when I can be fully present” or being more direct, “it is sometimes draining for me to hear someone talk at length about their problems when my energy is not so strong”. If their was a lot of gossip and blame, I sometimes would offer, “I feel I might be more helpful to you to be a sounding board for SOLUTIONS to your problem” (rather than gossiping and blaming others). Of course, communicating this can be a delicate balance in relationships. I have noticed that it is best to bring up how you want to communicate in the future to those closer relationships, as in the heat of the moment can be a bit harder for the other person to handle. Practice those “I” messages when communicating, “I feel this way”…..”I notice this about myself when”, ect. We all are allowed to feel how we feel about something.

Know that this is a practice and you will likely mess it up, at least I do. I believe in taking small steps to improvement  and that often comes as two steps forward and one step back.

I have been practicing this 5 minute rule more these days. It takes some communication and patience and what I found was and is that when I did this with some people they would eventually dump somewhere else and in many circumstances our connection grew as we more frequently moved into real feelings and solutions when some of the drama was removed. Also, there is an definite energy shift when you change from talking about the problem to talking about the solution.

This is still a work in progress for me and I’m always on the look out for creative ways in dealing with “dumping”, so let me know if you have any ideas!

Just say no

Okay, we may not be able to say “no” to everything in our lives that stresses out. We all have jobs, partners, family, ect. that can often feel like we are getting a lot of “no” slapped in our face. Sometimes, I have people dismiss this happiness quote below as impossible. I get the thinking and I’ll offer how about looking for just one YES you can say to yourself by saying “no” to some person or life situation that’s stressful when it presents itself to you. If you decide to do this, you will often be surprised by the opportunities that present themselves.

See how you feel when you say “no” to a person or situation. See how your energy changes. You can start small, maybe with a person you do not know at all or a situation you always say yes normally, especially if it has a bit of obligation to it. How about diving right in and telling that person that always calls you to complain or to dump their life on you, you do not have time to talk today?  Remember, your just practicing and you can say no today and choose differently tomorrow. Maybe you can work towards communicating to that person how the “dump” feels energetically to you. Maybe you just make the conversation 5 minutes shorter than normal. Again, your saying yes to yourself and keeping a bit more of your energy for you!

In my book, any step towards a YES for you and your improved happiness is a step in the right direction:

 

 

Giving and receiving

I have been rereading parts of one of my favorite books, by Arnold Patient, called “You can have it all” and I loved some of his thoughts in his chapter on giving and receiving.

One concept he talks about is what “true” giving is. He offers that true giving follows these 3 criteria:

  1. The giver sincerely wishes for the recipient to have and to enjoy the gift.
  2. The gift is something the giver sincerely believes the receiver wishes to have.
  3. There are no ulterior motives or strings attached by the giver, and the recipient is free to do with the gift as she or he wishes.

This is so simple and at the same time we all can find a giving/receiving exchange we have been in that is missing a point or two. Any of you give something but expect a certain response from the receiver? That’s an ulterior motive, right? Expect NOTHING in return; not even a thank you? Wow, that might take some practice. How do you feel when you’re nice and let a car into your lane ahead of you and you don’t receive a wave or nod back? Do you give a compliment to someone you think is “cool” or “important” and it’s not quite genuine or you can find an ulterior motive why you gave it? Yes, there are lot’s of ways giving and receiving comes into everyday life, not just traditional gift giving.

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Any of you feel obligated to give a gift to a certain person or at a certain time? You aren’t sincerely giving, right? If you’re obligated, what is the energy of the gift like? Positive? Likely not and likely neutral at best. Some say that when the conditions above are not met, the giving and receiving energy in us is kinda “stuck” and not free. What do I mean free? Well, I view this as when I have a practice that meets the above criteria I am creating energy in the movement of giving and receiving. Mr. Patient says this energy is really love, when you get down to the core. I’d have to think about that a bit more, however sounds good to me right now. I believe, whatever the energy that is created will attract more of that same energy. If it’s positive, you attract more of that positive energy around giving and/or receiving gifts. Maybe you end up getting more gifts in some way. Money comes unexpectedly, a compliment comes or just a smile at the checkout isle. Again, no fair giving just to receive later. Ulterior motives, right?

How about this one? Anyone receive a gift and feel you have to keep or use it? Will you stick a gift from mom in the closet and bring it out for display when she comes over? I bet you see now that while your trying to be nice to mom and not hurt her feelings (or other stuff), that energy is NOT clean. Now, I’m not saying we say to mom, “mom that gift stinks” when she gives it to us. That to creates “negative” energy around receiving and, over time, a closet full of stuff you don’t use! A good practice is to always take “in” the gift as positive, no matter what you think of it.

Of course, most of us honestly know that all are gifts we give aren’t going to be perfect. That is, perfect, in the stuff we give. However, giving with positive intentions and that energy (love?) and the criteria above that gift of “energy” IS perfect and allows for more.

 

True power is not about force or control…

Abundance guy - True power electricity hitting water

” Most rarely align with their true power, because it seems illogical to them that there is power in relaxation, in letting go, or in love or joy or bliss. Most people do not understand that their true power lies in releasing resistance—which is the only obstacle to their true power.

Most people do not expect their path to great abundance to be one of ease and of joy. They have been taught that struggle and hardship and sacrifice are requirements that must be met before the reward of great abundance can be realized. Most do not understand that the very struggle they deliberately involve themselves in, in their quest for success and advantage, actually works against them.

There are so many things that you have been taught to believe that are counter to the powerful Laws of the Universe that it is difficult for you to think your way out. And that is the reason that we present this path of much less resistance.

We want you to breathe rather than try, to relax rather than offer effort, to smile rather than struggle, to be rather than do. For your true power is experienced only from inside.” Jerry and Esther Hicks

I have experienced this first hand, when I push or force things to happen, I find it hard, difficult or a struggle as they stated in the quote above. The amazing thing was when I actually tried the other way by connecting deeper with myself and letting go of trying to control things or people around me to see it my way, I realized it was much easier and everything I needed was there…

For example, have you ever had the experience when you want something that when you let go of the outcome, you often get it? Think of a business situation or personal relationship where this has been true for you – remember that sale you really let go of and you got it or that relationship where you were true to yourself first and then it worked out for the best. This is the power of aligning with your inner understanding rather than being effected by the events or situation outside of you.

 

Why does it seem some people want you NOT to do well?

In my abundance practice I have run across this occasionally. Where it seems like some people dislike others that are doing well. This can sometimes show up in the media. An anti success bias or something like that. If your doing well, especially financially, something is wrong with you or you’re bad for accumulating wealth or because you are wealthy you took advantage of someone somehow…..If you’re wealthy you’re guilty of something!

I think there is a lot tied up into this kinda of thinking whether its jealousy, judgement, guilt, someone’s own lack, personal, religious and societal beliefs, etc. Certainly they are many wealthy people that, trying find something less negative to say, have not been the best role models of wealth! Of course, often when people have negative views about wealth they often “see” only the negative side of wealth. A fancy car cuts them off on the highway, a financial scandal on the news, a wealth boss that treats them badly, etc. Its always interesting in my practice to hear individuals who want to attract more wealth in their lives, but dislike “wealth” in many ways. In my opinion, attracting more wealth with these conflicting beliefs and desires is challenging at best.

The first thing I often have people do with this thinking, is just start looking for the “good” in wealth. A person makes a gift to their school that enables computers to be purchased, have an appreciation for something specific that wealth can buy whether for yourself or others, a business owner or investor that created a product you like or use. This may seem small, but if your wanting to attract more wealth I feel you must believe that wealth is actually good or your beliefs, thoughts and actions will be out of alignment. Hard to change anything when your out of alignment as its kinda like the concept that a negative (thought about wealth) cancels out a positive one. I like my clients to create and build up their positive thoughts so they create momentum and reprogram old ways of thinking. Many say “you are what you eat”, I belief we are and create what we think!

 

Just one breath

Abundance guy - growing your breath grows your abundance

In my abundance work,  where I assist others in creating their own unique abundant life, one of my key tools is a very powerful breath technique called Transformational Breathing.  However, I am still truly amazed by the power and effect of just one deep full belly breath provides every now and then to ones body.  For me, to slow down or stop everything I’m doing for just one deep breath is pretty easy for the wave of peace that usually comes with it.

As I’m writing this, I’m on an airplane, and after just one deep full breath I found that my shoulders relaxed, I felt a bit calmer and clearer after a number of days of traveling.  It is really great to remember your actual breath has incredible energizing and relaxing power.   Most of us take our breath for granted and do not realize it is our bodies most important fuel.   About 75% of our bodies fuel comes from the oxygen we take in!   So, a deep breath is literally bringing more fuel into the body with a side effect of relaxation.

Try it now, just one breath……. Close your eyes, take a breath, deep into your belly first then expanding your lungs as fully as you can and let the exhale just relax completely………… Do you notice any difference?

One breath is a great tool to remember any time whether your waiting in line, running late, anxious about a meeting, transitioning from work, after a stressful phone call or just after waking up.

Amazing, one breath!

 

It’s May…How are those new years resolutions going?

I read somewhere that 97% of new years resolutions fail. Not sure how someone comes up with a stat like that, but kinda makes sense to me. Usually, we have made large “resolutions”, sometimes even things we have been wanting to do for years. Fill in the “thing” for you. In tackling these resolutions, there can be some things that get in the way of creating new habits to lasting change, often emotions and old ways of thinking leading the list. What I have come to believe is that whatever we want to accomplish has a much better chance of working and lasting past January if we break down those resolutions into smaller steps.   Small steps often allow us to move through these emotions and old ways of thinking much slower so we allow ourselves time to adjust to our new habits. If your used to seeing yourself 30 pounds overweight, and you are unhappy about it, you have probably have an ongoing way of thinking about yourself when it comes to your weight. A story you, and others, may say over and over again. I am not a psychiatrist, however, even if you could lose 30 pounds in one day your thoughts of “old self” will not have lost “the weight”. When we take a new habit and break it down into smaller steps that are more easily achievable it helps keeps our negative thinking a bit more in check. Actually, there is a book on small steps I really like called “One small step can change your life” by Robert Mauer. He brings up what I have read in other places is that the part of our brain, the amygdala, that controls our fight or flight response is very sensitive to new things. Sensitive, in that it often senses fear in most new things, and will actually put up mental and emotional road blocks to doing the new thing. This part of the brain was a lot more useful when we were cave women and men where danger and death was often around the corner. It kept us from wandering too far, eating new things, leaving the cave at night. But now, most of us, really do not need to be as overly sensitive and the way we are designed has not caught up with the last 20,000 years or so. Actually, in my abundance work, I sometimes see people feel better about this (me too!), that their problems with integrating new habits have probably much more to do with the way we are designed than what we think is just our own lack of discipline.   To get around this “design flaw” Dr. Mauer recommends this small step strategy I’m eluding to. Make your steps to your goal so small that it keeps this part of our brain in check. For example, if your trying to loose 30 pounds, how about focusing on loosing one pound a month, if that is not scary to you. You keep the fear down, because the brain says, “wow, I don’t have to change my whole life right

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away, I can lose just one pound by doing this or that”. My personal one, is that I have been desiring to add more stretching to my daily routine. Right now, I’m doing 4 different stretches, 10 seconds each, every day. Only 40 seconds, my “brain” isn’t scared. Next step… I’m just leaving my yoga mat on the floor, as a visual reminder. Mostly I trip over it more than I do any stretches, but some days I do a bit more. Part of the practice is to give myself credit for these little steps. Of course, sometimes my negative thinking pops in and says negative crap or judges my small steps. I can’t control my thinking, so I let my brain think whatever it wants and practice choosing not believing those negative thoughts and just come back when I’m ready to pat myself on the back for my small steps. As a guide, if your not accomplishing a step you make for yourself repeatedly, likely your not making your steps small enough. What many people find with a small step practice is you allow momentum to build and you allow some of your old ways of thinking to slowly change so your habits are much more likely to be permanent. As the old proverb says:   a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Big breath = Big Life

Want to change your life?

Discover the power in your breath.

That may sound like quite a statement, that discovering the power of your breath can change your life. However, I know from personal experience “learning” how to breath “better” myself and from 10 years as a facilitator and trainer of the Transformational Breath system it can and does. I have seen major life changes occur or begin to occur, a letting go of major traumas in an hour or two, a reduction in pain in the body or the elimination of it and just more joy over and over again in myself and others.

I have gravitated toward the Transformational Breath system in my life as I feel it’s been the most comprehensive system of the various breath modalities I have tried. It’s a balance of working with the physical body, the mental and emotional part of us and the spiritual side. Simply, we learn and practice bringing more air (life) in the body through this simple yet powerful technique. As we do that we are able to clear out what’s been in our mental “closets” for a long time, often without knowing what was in your “closet”. That’s great for me since I never did like to clean my room, let alone any closets! The result of a breath session is usually a greater sense of peace and connection to greater things.

I feel honored every time I’m able to share this trans-formative work. I love tools, like this one, that are simple and after you get the basics down, you can do by yourself. So, self healing, in a time, when we look for healing so much outside of ourselves for the answers within.
Transformational Breath is the fastest growing breath work on the planet right now and I’ll promise you, one of these days, you will hear about it on Oprah! Until then, you can read more about it at transformationalbreath.com.

My plug for my favorite breath work aside, there are many ways to open and practice breathing more fully. My invitation to you, is to find one that resonates and do it. There is just something so powerful yet simple about changing the way we take in our more important resource, our own breath, and so much growth available to us when we expand our breath.

Being thankful leads to happiness

Well, I’m getting caught up on some of my emails and videos that we all seem to get around holiday time and wanted to share one. If you have 14 minutes there are some nice messages in here on the concept I guess we all know that gratefulness leads to happiness, not the other way around. I just think I/we forget that a lot of the time.

For the A.D.D. crowd, go to about 8 minutes in as David kinda sums up a nice grateful practice. I really like part of that where he describes we would all be more grateful if we installed stop signs in our life’s to be more present.

Enjoy!

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.html

10 Things Happy People Do Differently

Read this article and I thought I’d pass it on. I always like simple thoughts and lists, so I can take a small step in some way by looking at one of the points. For me, I’m going to look at more things around me and smile more today.
10 Things Happy People Do Differently August 20 by Scott Christ

 

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

-Dalai Lama

Think being happy is something that happens as a result of luck, circumstance, having money, etc.? Think again.

Happiness is a mindset. And if you’re looking to improve your ability to find happiness, then check out these 10 things happy people do differently.

 

1. Happy people find balance in their lives.

Folks who are happy have this in common: they’re content with what they have, and don’t waste a whole lot of time worrying and stressing over things they don’t. Unhappy people do the opposite: they spend too much time thinking about what they don’t have. Happy people lead balanced lives. This means they make time for all the things that are important to them, whether it’s family, friends, career, health, religion, etc.

2. Happy people abide by the golden rule.

rule

You know that saying you heard when you were a kid, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Well, happy people truly embody this principle. They treat others with respect. They’re sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of other people. They’re compassionate. And they get treated this way (most of the time) in return.

3. Happy people don’t sweat the small stuff.

One of the biggest things happy people do differently compared to unhappy people is they let stuff go. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. Happy people realize this, are able to take things in stride, and move on. Unhappy people tend to dwell on minor inconveniences and issues, which can perpetuate feelings of sadness, guilt, resentment, greed, and anger.

4. Happy people take responsibility for their actions.

Happy people aren’t perfect, and they’re well aware of that. When they screw up, they admit it. They recognize their faults and work to improve on them. Unhappy people tend to blame others and always find an excuse why things aren’t going their way. Happy people, on the other hand, live by the mantra:

“There are two types of people in the world: those that do and those that make excuses why they don’t.”

5. Happy people surround themselves with other happy people.

happiness surrounding

One defining characteristic of happy people is they tend to hang out with other happy people. Misery loves company, and unhappy people gravitate toward others who share their negative sentiments. If you’re struggling with a bout of sadness, depression, worry, or anger, spend more time with your happiest friends or family members. Chances are, you’ll find that their positive attitude rubs off on you.

6. Happy people are honest with themselves and others. 

People who are happy often exhibit the virtues of honesty and trustworthiness. They would rather give you candid feedback, even when the truth hurts, and they expect the same in return. Happy people respect people who give them an honest opinion.

7. Happy people show signs of happiness.

smile

This one may sound obvious but it’s a key differentiator between happy and unhappy people. Think about your happiest friends. Chances are, the mental image you form is of them smiling, laughing, and appearing genuinely happy. On the flip side, those who aren’t happy tend to look the part. Their posture may be slouched and you may perceive a lack of confidence.

8. Happy people are passionate.

Another thing happy people have in common is their ability to find their passions in life and pursue those passions to the fullest. Happy people have found what they’re looking for, and they spend their time doing what they love.

9. Happy people see challenges as opportunities.

Folks who are happy accept challenges and use them as opportunities to learn and grow. They turn negatives into positives and make the best out of seemingly bad situations. They don’t dwell on things that are out of their control; rather, they seek solutions and creative ways of overcoming obstacles.

10. Happy people live in the present.

While unhappy people tend to dwell on the past and worry about the future, happy people live in the moment. They are grateful for “the now” and focus their efforts on living life to the fullest in the present. Their philosophy is:

There’s a reason it’s called “the present.” Because life is a gift.

So if you’d like to bring a little more happiness into your life, think about the 10 principles above and how you can use them to make yourself better.